good intentions

Usually, I throw catalogs into the recycling bag as soon as they arrive in the mail. Why be disappointed or tempted by things we can't afford? This week, however, Liam fished the Pottery Barn Kids catalog out of the mail pile in the dining room, and I found him comfortably reclining on the couch giving it a look. No surprise, he was engrossed in the Halloween section.

As he was showing me all the items he wanted, I found myself wishing I could get him something, even contemplating something "reasonable," like the pumpkin-design puffy treat bag he pointed out. A mere $12, which is cheap by Pottery Barn standards. Even though a puffy treat bag is the last thing I need to be spending money on, it seemed a small amount to satisfy a kid who adores Halloween.

This morning I attended an event put on by my cousins Chris and Alli to promote Hope International, an organization that provides microloans to entrepreneurs living in poverty in the developing world. The one sentence Chris said that has been running through my head all day is this: "Our good intentions rob the poor of the opportunity to be givers." In other words, when we just give people handouts and we do it repeatedly, as "good" as our intentions are, we are just creating dependency and we are not giving people the opportunity to become self-sufficient and, in turn, to be able to give back. Chris recounted compelling stories of people who had benefitted from Hope's microloan program, creating thriving businesses and pulling themselves out of poverty and then blessing other people in their communities in huge ways. One woman in Congo, a single mom with six kids, went on to adopt four orphans in her community after she rose out of poverty. Another woman in the Dominican Republic used the money from her successful, microloan-funded sewing business to start a school in her home and then pulled her community together to build a school for kids who are the poorest or the poor - over 400 of them.

Today I decided we would do well to apply the Hope principles to our family. Every parent want their children to be happy. We want to be sure they have what they need and, when possible, what they want. But there is a downside to satisfying wants and whims. They don't really satisfy. Our good intentions create kids who feel entitled to whatever they want to buy or do or not do. As a music teacher, Andrew struggles against this all the time. The majority of kids are unmotivated, uninspired, selfish and downright rude. And based on the experiences of other teachers I've heard from, I don't think this is an overgeneralization.

As a parent or a charitable organization, good intentions often equate to taking the easy way out. It is probably easier to repeatedly deliver food and clothing and medicines to a community in need than it is to set up a meaningful, efficient and successful system for dispersing microloans and ensuring that borrowers have the support, relational collateral and motivation to pay them back (over 99% of Hope's loan recipients do). It is also certainly easier as a parent to just give your child what he or she wants than find a different way to address the desire.

Since we didn't order the treat bag this week, I proposed to Liam that we make our own. Truthfully, I wasn't thrilled about the idea at first - the mess, the possibility it wouldn't work out well - but I shut off my editor and went for it anyway. I had a sudden brainstorm to try something out of papier mache. So, with a balloon, newspaper strips, flour, water and paint, we came up with an alternative to the puffy treat bag. There was a lot of waiting between steps and wondering whether the thing would even turn out at all. But the resulting creation has brought out pride (I made this!), deeper creativity (Can we make a mummy costume out of this stuff?), laughter (It's a pig pumpkin! - in case you can't tell), togetherness (Mom and Liam on the papier mache, Dad and Liam on the painting, Liam and "Banjo" on the face), problem solving (What to do about the handle?) and a giving spirit (Elliott needs a treat bag!).

All week I thought I was just saving $12. Thanks Chris and Alli for helping me see the bigger lesson.