what are we teaching them?

One of the best things I've read lately is an article by Catherine Newman suggesting that it's absurd how we teach our children to share and cooperate and then send them off to clamor over each other "towards the teetering heights of personal wealth." How we're teaching them Marxist and Socialist behavior (trading the corruption for fun, of course) and living as full-throttle Capitalists. The author isn't condoning Socialism as she takes some jabs at Capitalism. She's just pointing out how strange it is that we shape our kids with these very essential values that most of us hardly give a nod to in adulthood - i.e., sharing and cooperating and giving stuff up for the good of others. It's a funny piece, but it made me think.

Would I let a new acquaintance drive my new car around town just because he wanted to? Would I give some colleague half my latte just because she didn't have one? Or, on the flip side, would I cheer on my kid if he devised a clever money-making scheme at the snack table, collecting from those who could afford to purchase a snack, turning away those who couldn't and throwing the leftovers in the bin at the end of the play date?

Don't get me wrong, I'm living as a capitalist just like you, but it's something to think about. Why do we teach our kids these things when, as adults, they'll be expected to live so differently?

This weekend Liam went to a good friend's birthday party - a "bring your weapon" Nerf gun party. We love the party-throwing family and I'm not being critical, but I was kind of caught off guard by the theme as we really don't have any weapons in our house other than a play sword, a broken squirt gun and a lightsaber made out of a swimming noodle. At one time we had a small dart gun but Liam played with it for a day or two and eventually I threw it out. We never made a firm decision to keep weapons out, but we haven't encouraged them. And, truthfully, it hasn't been difficult. No toy comes before a LEGO here.

So it was interesting and slightly disconcerting to observe fifteen kids armed with Nerf guns shooting at each other and running for cover at yesterday's party. I am not a killjoy and I understand that the spirit of the afternoon was 100% fun. (Afterall, my own kid had a squirt gun birthday party last May.) But that article keeps coming back to me. What am I teaching my kids? What kind of character do I want them to develop? Do I reflect the best of what I hope for from them?

Pegging his friends with foam darts on a Sunday afternoon isn't going to turn my son into a criminal any more than teaching him to share his toys is going to turn him into a socialist. But what's the reason I'm condoning or allowing certain behaviors and activities and not others?

Several years ago I heard a speaker talk about building character in kids. The first thing he asked the audience to do was to write down the top three character traits we wanted our children to develop. Most people sitting there had never thought about it. I was one of them. Oh, I knew I wanted my kids to be nice and caring, but to deliberately write down the top three traits was a challenge. I finally landed on these: honest, empathetic, kind.

In light of the article, I'm not sure how these traits would work in climbing the corporate ladder or clamoring towards the teetering heights of personal wealth. I'm not sure my kids could win scholarships or be top of the class. I'm thinking these character qualities wouldn't make them worldly successes. But, deep down, that's okay with me. Because - gasp - I'm not grooming my sons for the boardroom. I'm not grooming them to be cunning or quick or stealthy. I am not equipping them for battle or street fights. Or to make lots and lots of money.

I hope I am equipping them to love God, love their neighbors and live big, awesome lives, which have little to do with wealth and capitalistic success and lots to do with the character traits I long for them to develop: being honest, empathetic and kind. This is why I don't mind a Nerf gun party. This is also why they are taught to share and cooperate.

But teaching is only half the equation. Sure, I can teach my kids stuff. Stuff I think is really important, essential even, but if they don't see the adults around them living it out, it won't stick.

I realize now that this is why we take our kids to Third Tuesday Suppers. This is why we make meals for our neighbors. This is why we comfort those who suffer losses. This is why we tell the truth even when it hurts.

And this, we pray, is what happens: When our kids pick up a Nerf gun, they're more concerned with helping a buddy find his lost foam dart than hitting the target. When someone wants to try out their toys, they give them a chance. When they make a bad decision, they don't cover their tracks. And when they're at the snack table, there's no question that everyone's invited. With all due respect to Newman and her excellent article, it's not socialist, it's character. And when we all try to live this way, it just might stick.