out of the mouth of my 9 year old

All the recent funny conversations with Liam. Someday I'll be so glad I wrote them down. Hopefully he will, too.

::

Liam: I think I know the answer to this, but I just want to ask. Can we paint our house purple and green diagonal stripes?

::

Liam: It feels like it's getting to be winter. I just love winter. I love snuggling up with dad with salt and vinegar chips and dad has a beer and I have a Coke.

Me: When has that ever happened?

Liam: It hasn't. It's just my dream.

::

Liam: I wish nudisting wasn't against the law?

Me: Nudisting?

Liam: You know, walking around naked.

Me: Why do you wish that wasn't against the law.

Liam: Because then deciding on a Halloween costume would be so easy.

::

After explaining to Liam that a good friend of ours is an expert in Feng Shui, Liam wanted to know more about it. We explained that people hire experts like our friend Bill to rearrange furniture and select new paint colors in order to improve the energy in their homes.

Liam: They pay him?

Me: Yes.

Liam: How much?

Me: I don't know. Probably a couple hundred dollars.

Liam: (sighs) I can tell you what to do. Just paint everything bright colors. You don't even have to pay me.

::

Coming inside after playing with his best friend Ava, Liam complained that he scratched up his hands.

Me: What were you doing?

Liam: Hitting the broom.

Me: Why were you doing that?

Liam: Ava and I were pretending. I was holding the broom upside down and hitting the straw part like it was Ava.

Me: Why in the world would you pretend to hit Ava?

Liam: Because it's a lot better than pretending to kiss her.

he keeps us laughing

Although Elliott has a ways to go when it comes to creating original sentences, he is a master imitator. We have been warned told several times that between the crazy faces he makes to entertain us (and himself), his sense of comedic timing and his ability to mimic so precisely, we quite possibly have the next Jim Carey on our hands. Lord, help us.

Here are a few of the hilarious things coming out of his mouth these days:

:: When he gets frustrated, such as when his push mower (that he pushes all over town) gets stuck, he yells at it. “No, meanie!” he says exactly in the tone, say, his mother might shout no. It's probably about as effective with the mower as it is with the child.

:: One of Andrew’s phrases is coming back to haunt him. Elliott has been exerting his authority over the cats when they don’t obey him (which means all the time) by furrowing his brow and bending over them and admonishing, “You cheeky bugger!” My favorite, though, is when he gets frustrated with his dad and stubbornly admonishes him. When you hear this British phrase with a slight British accent coming out of the mouth of a five year old, it’s terribly hard not to laugh.

:: Speaking of laughing…the past couple of weeks we’ve been treated to a lot of mooning, accompanied with the bold command, “Feast your eyes!” I think he heard his brother say this once (who saw it in the movie Brave) and, not surprising to us, it stuck. The funniest part, besides the little white butt in the air, is that he knows he's hilarious and it just cracks him up.

:: Perhaps not as funny (to us) is the influence Ricky Gervais has has on our son. When Liam was born, a good friend of mine gave him the book That's Disgusting. Again, no surprise to us, it's become Elliott's favorite. Thus, we do not believe it is any coincidence that last week Elliott came to Andrew and earnestly begged him, "Dad, smell finger. Smell! Smell!" Just like a page out of the Gervais book, Elliott stuck his finger in the cat's behind. And he loved how "gross" it was. 

Oh, Lord, help us.

the tooth fairy responds

So, this morning we learned that the tooth fairy's given name is Evensong (since she only comes out in the evening and some say her voice sounds like music). She lives in an uncharted land (although, by her writing style, I'm guessing a British colony). She is happy not to be asked her age, and what she does with all those teeth remains a mystery. (Be sure to read Liam's letter if you haven't.)

Oh, and the tooth fairy writes in cursive. Those wanting to banish this skill from school curriculums take note. Future generations of tooth fairies will be crippled if we eliminate fluid handwriting from our children's skill set.

Although he doesn't look like it (but serious face was the only way to get a clear photo), Liam was thrilled to receive her hand-written note (sprinkled with fairy dust, no less). And apparently, he spotted her on the stairs this morning, disappearing in a flash of light.

On the walk to school, he told me that if he had wanted to, he could have reached out and grabbed the tooth fairy before she vanished.

"Why didn't you?" I asked.

"Because, mom," he answered with grave seriousness. "Arthur Spiderwick's Field Guide says that fairies have very sharp teeth. You don't want to mess with them."

May he please believe forever.

a note found next to a sleeping boy

Liam went to bed with a paper and pencil tonight. He felt a note to the tooth fairy was in order. I thought it would be a one-liner not an inquisition.

::
Dear tooth-fairy,

At school to day, we had suckers for a late Halloween treet, and wile I bit into the sucker I acsedetly swolod my tooth, because I had a loose tooth! By the way, my name is Liam. (Lee-um) What is your name besides tooth-fairy? Where do you live? And what do you do with all thows teeth? 1. Do you collect them? 2. Do you put them in new born baby's? Or 3. Do you put them in a mishene that makes them into one big tooth? What do you do with them? Also, are you a he or a she? I am seven year's old. I know it is not polite to ask older people how old thay are, so I will not ask you.

From Liam Bordoni

to the parents who gave their son $5 for pulling out a permanent tooth

Thanks a lot. Seriously. My son came home from school today and told me, awestruck, how your son got $5 from the tooth fairy last night for losing a tooth twice.

"What?" I said. "You can't lose a tooth twice."

"Yes," he said. "He got $1 for the baby tooth and $5 for the next one."

"You only get two teeth," I said.

"I know," he said. "He pulled apart some LEGOs with the second tooth and it got loose and he wiggled it and ripped it out."

"He ripped it out? And his parents, I mean the tooth fairy, gave him $5 for that?"

"Yes, mom, because it's really RARE for a kid to lose his second tooth. It's a really special thing. I actually think some of my new teeth are loose."

See what you've done, parents? I had to tell my son that OUR tooth fairy does not bring money for second teeth and the only reason your son's tooth fairy did is because second teeth cost $1000 to replace and kids have to pay out of their own money. Not because it's rare. Because it's stupid and expensive. And the dentist has to give them a big shot in their mouth.

"And you WILL NOT get $5 for pulling out a second tooth."

I think he believed me. Here's hoping.

beavers

When Liam was four, he would make us laugh out loud almost daily with the hilarious things he'd say. Like this and this. A comment he made this weekend reminded me of these earlier days.

Driving along the river a couple blocks from our house, I noticed two trees with lower trunks that had been gnawed on. The bark was gone and the marks on the trunk looked fresh.

"Looks like the beavers have been eating the trees," I said.

Liam quickly turned to look out the window.

"There are beavers around here?" he asked suspiciously.

"I guess so," I said. "I can't think of any other animal that would eat a tree that way."

"Well," he said. "I think there are some crazy people who might."

the innocence of youth

On the walk home from school today, Liam told me he had five dollars in his backpack. When I asked him where he got it, he told me his friend Sarah had given it to him. When I asked him why, he looked at me like I was asking something crazy and said, "So we can be rich." And then he ran off ahead of me and I forgot the conversation until we got home he immediately began rummaging around in his pack for the money.

"Dad," he breathlessly greeted Andrew. "Me and Sarah and Tristan are going to be rich!"

"How are you doing that?" Andrew asked.

Very matter of factly, he replied, "We're making money. With paper." And that was that.

Following Sarah's lead, Liam spent the next hour making money in all kind of denominations and then made a box to put his bills in, labeled "Liams Brtend Mone." (Liam's Pretend Money) He's a generous boy. I'm hoping he'll let me borrow the $10,000 bill.

:::

A couple nights ago I was reading to Liam about Noah's Ark out of a page-a-day Bible story book. Because the story was so tightly paraphrased, it read very bluntly (i.e., the people were wicked, God wiped them out, except for faithful Noah and his family). I cringe at these kinds of simplified Bible stories and tried to prepare myself for the questions Liam would have. When we got to the end, I read the predictable questions that were printed in the book.

"Honey," I said. "Why did God send the flood?"

Liam looked at me like the question was a no-brainer and shrugged his shoulders.

"So the ark would float," he said.

:::

On the way home from the grocery store this afternoon, Liam declared that he needed to use the bathroom and I told him we were almost home and asked if he could wait. He sighed and said yes.

About a minute later I heard him mutter, "I don't understand why we can't just pee in our pants."

the king of non sequiturs

I am sure kindergarten teachers must go home with a lot of hilarious one-liners to share. Liam has been throwing out zingers left and right. I already mourn the day when he will be too self-conscious and too "smart" to just let them fly. Here are a few of my favorites from today:

:: Lifting his shirt while standing in front of the mirror this morning: "What am I going to be using these nipples for?"

:: Riding home from t-ball tonight: "When Elliott turns 3 can we start calling him Owen?"

:: Asking him if he'd like to use a free soft-serve cone coupon at McDonald's after his grandma bought him lunch there: "No way, mom. I'm sick. I just ate lunch at McDonald's."

totally random theology

Liam asks a lot of question, particularly about God. Half the time I have absolutely no idea how to answer. Some examples:

:: Why doesn't God have any kids other than Jesus?
:: Did Jesus wear diapers? Toot? Throw up?
:: Was God ever zero, you know, like a baby?
:: Why doesn't God ever talk to me? I ask him to and he never does.

I guess when two questioning people come together, it's a good bet they are going to bear a questioning child. I try my best not to shut him down or blow off his questions or laugh, but sometimes it's a challenge. Here was today's installment:

LIAM: Does Mary know me?

MOM: What?

LIAM: Does Mary know me?

MOM: Mary who?

LIAM: Mary, God's mom. Does she know me? You know, like in real life.

MOM: Umm. (long pause)

LIAM (annoyed): Well?

MOM (deciding what answer will be most satisfying): No. But God knows you.

LIAM: Oh. Does he like me?

not what I was expecting

While making dinner, I heard Liam calling to me from the basement. I was in the middle of sauteing and called to him that he'd have to wait. He continued to call and the pleas become more and more urgent. By the fifth or sixth call he was screaming. I panicked, thinking a bookcase had fallen on him or he was dodging a rabid bat (which we have had in this house before). So I quickly stopped what I was doing and ran downstairs.

At the bottom of the stairs, Liam was sitting in a pile of my old Barbie stuff. With tears in his eyes, he held up a naked Barbie and a little red bathing suit.

"Help me!" he cried. "I can't get this Barbie dressed."

not so good at that

Andrew left yesterday for Lithuania - twelve days hanging with kids at an orphanage our church supports over there. He plans to tousle them up, shower them with love and teach them the finer points of guitar shredding, or at least play for them a little. I am so proud of him for stepping up and volunteering for the trip. And we're fine here - PB&J and banana splits every night. Can't beat that.

Today we hit the farmer's market, the library and the annual Riverfest, had a picnic lunch in the park and played Legos. I'd say that's worthy of mother of the year award.

The real telling moment, though, was when Liam took his 30 minutes video game time. After 5 minutes he called me and said he needed me. (I was washing the kitchen floor. Seriously. For the first time in three months.)

"Mom," he said. "I need to get ten points. Can you do it for me. Please?"

Now, we are not all newfangled with the WII. Our Nintendo system is so old the library doesn't even carry games for it. This was some Star Wars game where you have to fly your ship over these islands and swoop in and shoot down all the enemy convoys - with a 20 button joystick. I am all into equal opportunity, but this is really a boy thing. Still, I took the controls and said I'd give it a try.

After Liam patiently explained to me what all the buttons controlled, I hit the start and immediately nose dived into the ocean, blowing my ship to fiery bits.

"Oh, mom!" Liam cried. "You have to look where you're going."

Hmm. Yeah. Okay. Next start. To avoid the crash and burn, I forced the fighter straight up. After watching clouds soar by for a few seconds, Liam sighed.

"You aren't going to get any bad guys that way."

So, I jiggled the controls around and promptly smashed into a cliff. Firing my guns all the way.

I glanced over at Liam who was shaking his head. Then he looked at me, held out his hand and sighed.

"Mom, you better give that to me," he said. "You're not very good at this."

Although I know Andrew would have adeptly blasted each and every enemy convoy, I am proud to report that Liam did the job himself. After watching his mom play he must have figured he was good at the game after all.

girl trouble

Everything was going well. Liam and my cousin Kristin's girls, Nora and Maggie, were racing their bikes up and down the sidewalk while third daughter Lucy and my Elliott took turns sitting on the tricycle. Then, suddenly, the drama. Maggie (the 4 year old) came running down the sidewalk in tears.

"Honey, what's wrong?" I asked

"I wanted him to love me!" she wailed, throwing herself on the grass.

Apparently Liam and Nora (the 6 year old) had declared their love for each other and kissed (on the lips) on the neighbor's driveway. Oh, dear. I guess I should have anticipated this growing interest in the opposite sex after our conversation in the car on the way to my cousin's house. It went something like this. (Because, honestly, it was cracking me up so much, I scribbled most of it down at the stop lights.)

LIAM: Did you know that I'm in love with Maggie from my school?
MOM: No. You haven't talked about Maggie before.
LIAM: Well, Paige is still my girlfriend but Maggie is going to be my wife!
[pause]
LIAM: I haven't kissed Maggie but I touched her today.
MOM: Where?
LIAM: I touched her with my leg at circle time. When she standed up I was totally going to touch her again but she walked away. That was crazy.
MOM: So, what makes Maggie so special?
LIAM: I don't know.
MOM: Well, why are you in love with her?
LIAM: I don't know.
MOM: Does she feel the same way about you?
LIAM: I don't know. [sigh] It's too many questions.

::
On the way home from Kristin's house, I told Liam that it would be better not to kiss any girls on the lips. I said he could cheek kiss but lip kissing spread germs and it would be easy to get sick, plus parents of girls his age wouldn't like the lip kissing.

"But mom, what about Ava?" he asked in a panicked tone (referring to his lifelong "girlfriend" across the street).
"What do you mean?"
"I always kiss Ava on the lips."
"Well, you need to start kissing her on the cheek instead."
"Oh, man," he sighed. "Ava's not going to like that."

Oh, dear.

the God files

Over the past few days Liam has developed an incredible fascination with God, asking me every imaginable question and squeezing a reference to God into nearly every conversation. I love his often awestruck, uninhibited, matter-of-fact queries and responses. Here is a sampling just from today.

"Mom, is God's head as big as that?" he said, pointing to a gazebo in the park.
"Um, I think it's much bigger than that."
"Awww...you have GOT to be kidding me!"

:::

Liam: "Dad, can we take the telescope out tonight and look for stars and stuff?"
Andrew: "Sorry, buddy, it's too cold tonight."
Liam: "Maybe it will get warmer."
Andrew: "No, it's not going to get warmer tonight."
Liam (incredulously): "How do you know? You're not God."

:::

"Who controls the lightning, the cops or the firemen?" Liam asked.
"No one controls the lightning."
"Well, what about the wind? Does the wind control it?"
"No. The only one who can control lightning is God."
"Oh," said Liam. "Does he use a remote?"

you know you are parenting boys when...

...you hear yourself yelling things like, "Don't run with that gun in your mouth!" or "Your brother doesn't want to smell your butt." Oh, yes, I have uttered both of these tasteless lines this week.

So, I was looking forward to hearing the authors of the book Wild Things: The Art of Nurturing Boys speak tonight. But I wasn't expecting it to be so incredibly excellent. If you have a boy and marvel at the words coming out of your mouth (or his!), do yourself a favor and check out this book and the authors' website. It will be a heart changer, for everyone involved.

say what?

This has been the week of hilarious conversations and stunning one-liners. Here are a few of the gems.

LIAM: "Tracy (friend Ian's mom who was the reader parent at pre-school today) read us a Bible story about animals today."
MOM: "Was it Noah's ark?"
LIAM: "No. There were no people in it, not even Noah."
MOM: "So, how do you know it was a Bible story?"
LIAM: "Because it was a BIG book."

::

Elliott was standing up next to me and putting his head in my lap (trying to bite me, as usual) when I was sitting on the couch this afternoon.

Liam glanced over from across the room and shook his head, "Elliott's really into you."

::

Last night Liam had a sleepover party at grandma's while I hosted my book club. When we reunited he told me all about the huge dinner he ate, including (apparently) a plateful of peas (which I don't think I have ever served him).

"Peas are tricky to eat," I said. "Did you use a fork?"

"No," said Liam.

"A spoon?"

"No," he said again, and then added oh-so-matter-of-factly, "Hands."

::

(During a snack after school.)

LIAM (very nonchalantly, as a teenage boy might): So...I talked to Paige today during gym time. (Paige being Liam's self-proclaimed "girlfriend.")
MOM (as cooly as possible): Really? What did you talk about?
LIAM (shrugging his shoulders): Brothers.

::

While riding home from Wisconsin on Monday, Liam was in the back seat singing to himself. The song took some odd and questionable turns, as a boy's song might.

When he finished I said, "That was a creative song, honey."

"Yeah," he said as he looked reflectively out the car window. "Except for the butt part. That was kind of awkward."

doing unto others

Compassion is the keen awareness of the interdependence of all things. -Thomas Merton

Whatever you do unto the least of these, you do unto me. -Jesus

A year ago I attended a seminar on building character in kids. One of the first tasks was to write down three character traits we wanted our kids to develop. I wrote down empathy, honesty and kindness. They were the first traits that came to mind, and the first time I had consciously named them. As the seminar wrapped up, I knew that these traits weren't going to just magically develop in my boys. I would have to be intentional about providing opportunities to build this kind of character in them.

Many parents, when asked what they want most for their kids, will say that they just want their kids to be happy. This never sits right with me. Of course, I don't want my children to be unhappy, but simply "happy" seems hollow or stopping a step too soon. Over the last couple days I have thought about this question more and decided that what I want most for my kids is for them show compassion. I want them to see the needs of others and forget themselves long enough to reach out in love and do something about it. I want them to be servants.

Today Liam and Elliott and I went to visit and take cookies to an older member of our church who is homebound. We had never met Ruby but Liam was up for the adventure. (Elliott doesn't get a vote yet.) As we were pulling into the parking lot of the Independent Living facility, Liam sighed, "Are we there yet?"

"Yep," I replied. "This is where Ruby lives."

"Wow," he said. "Her house is huge!"

After I explained that she lived in one of the many apartments in the building, we entered the foyer and Liam looked around slightly awestruck.

"Mom," he said in a hushed tone. "Ruby's house is bee-u-te-ful!"

I glanced around at the worn powder blue carpet, floral wallpaper and big silk flower arrangements and choked down the lump in my throat. My son has much keener vision than I do.

Our visit with Ruby was warm and relaxed and rewarding. It was a nice break from a stircrazy day, didn't take much effort and truly brought out the best in my boys. That's the thing about reaching out, you get drawn together in a way only God could orchestrate.

This little adventure led me to reflect on the other ways we plan to serve this holiday season and I thought I'd share them here. Even if you don't have money to donate in these tough economic times, you can still do unto others in significant ways. These are the ideas we've come up with (and most involve the littlest characters in the house):

1. Participate in Operation Christmas Child :: Through Samaritan's Purse (and with thanks to our preschool), we provide a gift for a child Liam's age: a shoebox filled with art supplies, toys, candy and hygiene items. We created a small budget and let Liam decide how to fill the box - and wrap it. Liam also wrote a note for the box and included our address, which they suggest, in hopes that the child who receives the box might write him back.

2. Visit Shut-ins :: In addition to visiting individuals like Ruby, we are planning to make Christmas cookies and take them to a local nursing home and just sit in the lobby and share them! These ways of reaching out work so well for us because we love to bake and eat cookies and we are big fans of "grandparents." (To find individual shut-ins who would enjoy a visit, ask at your church like we did, get to know a widowed neighbor or see if any of your long-distance friends have elderly relatives living in your area.)

3. Provide Gifts for a Struggling Family :: My immediate family is planning to buy gifts together for a family in need this Christmas (my husband's brainchild). Each sibling unit will be responsible for gifts for one child and then we will all contribute to gift cards for the parents. When we are together at Thanksgiving, I am hoping that Liam and his cousin Samantha can make drawings and notes to include with the gifts. To find a family in need, try a local family services agency.

4. Clean Out the Closets :: Recently I learned about a clothes closet in our community that provides opportunity for struggling professionals to come in and "shop" for clothes so they can be well dressed for interviews and job opportunities. Our church also has an amazing rummage sale twice a year. Giving our overflow to places like this allows us to model a little of the giving spirit we want our children to develop.

5. Stock a Pantry :: Families requesting assistance from food pantries has skyrocketed over the past couple months. Many pantries still accept donations from individuals. See if the one in your community does. Then, as you come across two-for-one sales at the grocery store, bag up the second item to give away. Or, every shopping trip, set aside a little of the money you're spending on food to help provide for another family - and let your kids help make the selections. The pantry can usually give you a list of the items they need.

6. Sew or Knit for a Cause :: I am especially fond of these initiatives because they require so little money but involve a lot of loving effort and meditative prayer.

7. Write to a Soldier :: Our church makes this easy with a "Support Our Troops" ministry that collects cards and notes and small gifts and does a big mailing to deployed servicemen and women several times a year. The Any Soldier website has good information on how to send cards, notes, care packages, etc., to a soldier overseas. Drawings and notes from kids are especially treasured from what I've heard. (And often the soldiers write back.)

8. Ring the Red Bell :: Volunteering to be a Salvation Army bell ringer is a great way to involve the whole family in serving during the holidays. Local churches often organize volunteers for specific dates and locations or you can learn more about the Salvation Army Christmas charities online.

Other ways to reach out more long term include sponsoring a child through an organization like Compassion International (which I - now we - have done for nearly twenty years), volunteering with a youth organization like Boys & Girls Clubs of America or something church-sponsored like Pioneer Clubs, or simply finding someone in need, whether as a result of illness, age or financial hardship, and rake their leaves or make them a meal.

How do you and your family do unto others? We'd love to know!

candy jar theology

This morning Andrew found Liam popping a Tootsie Roll into his mouth and asked, "Who told you you could have that?"

Very matter-of-factly Liam replied, "God did."

"What do you mean God did?"

"Well," Liam said. "I asked God if I could have it and he said 'yes'!"

unbirthday

For preschool this week, Liam was assigned to bring the snacks. When the note came home last week, it specified that on Thursday they would be celebrating his birthday. Although his birthday is in May and could feasibly be celebrated at preschool during the month it actually happens, I figured they had their reasons and we'd just follow the note and bring a less healthy, more celebratory snack for Thursday.

After school, I picked up Liam and we made a quick detour to Starbucks to buy some ground coffee for the morning. When I realized he was in a great (and talkative) mood, I suggested we sit at a table and share a cookie. I proceeded to ask him about his time at school that afternoon. How was music? Which parent read the stories? Did everyone like the snack?

"Well, AJ didn't like the snack but everyone else did," he said, taking a bite of cookie.

"Did they sing to you?" I asked

He looked at me confused. "No," he said.

"Was it like a party?"

He raised an eyebrow and stopped chewing. "No," he said.

"Well, did they at least say happy birthday?"

He sat back in his chair and gave me a very teenage-like sidelong glance. "Mom," he said, with finality and a slight edge of sympathy, "It is not my birthday."

Yes, well, thanks for clearing that up, honey. And for giving your mom a very long laugh.

while eating a caramel apple

"Hey, Dad," said Liam, taking a bite. "Did you know that this is a poison apple?"

"I hope not. Because if it is you'll fall into a deep sleep and will only be awakened by a magic kiss from a princess."

"Daaaaaad," Liam laughed.

"If that did happen, Liam, who would be your princess?"

Without a second thought, Liam replied, "Wonder Woman."

well, I'll be a monkey's uncle

This morning Elliott was doing his usual babble while playing with toys on the living floor - the familiar "da"s and "doh"s and "oo-be"s - when Liam ran into the kitchen and said, "Mom, do you know what Elliott just said?"

"Dad?" I guessed.

With a look that said, you, lady, have got to be the craziest woman on the planet, he replied, "No, hedgehog."