what i am thinking of

I am thinking of my grandma. It is still so strange to imagine that she is gone from this earth. After 42 years of her very significant and loving presence in my life, her total absence if nearly impossible to comprehend. And so, I am thinking of her. Specifically . . .

:: I am thinking of her long, elegant fingers cutting fabric on a big board laid over the bumper pool table in her basement. And those fingers kneading bread dough on her floured countertop, and expertly french braiding my hair into a crown around my head.

:: I am thinking of the great spread of food she would lay out on the table for any meal - whether it was just lunch for her and my papa and me or dinner for 25 family members. Always healthy and homemade and special.

:: I am thinking of her shredded wheat bars, bread and applesauce, brunswick stew, spinach souffle, and corn soup.

:: I am thinking about the way she belly laughed when we read the letters my papa's insanely conservative mother sent him at college, warning of the evils of candy and jazz music. Although she had every reason to, she never spoke ill of or sarcastically about this woman who often made her life very difficult.

:: I am thinking that she never spoke ill of or sarcastically about anything.

:: I am thinking of the birthday calendar that hung on the back of her powder room door and how happy I always was to see my name penned on it. And how she always remembered my birthday.

:: I am thinking of all the times I slept over at her house and how she sang to me in the darkened bedroom and rubbed my back and her sheets smelled so fresh and in the morning she was always in the kitchen making breakfast when I woke up. And when she saw me she would throw her arms around me like she hadn't seen me for a year.

:: I am thinking about how she loved beautiful things like a tree peony, a golden finch and a pretty-smelling lotion. And how her life was never about accumulating pretty things but always about seeing God's handiwork in everything.

:: I am thinking of how lovingly she spoke to my children and the incredible way she would swoop them into her arms. Even in her last days here, she squeezed them.

:: I am thinking about how earnestly, specifically and regularly she prayed.

:: I am thinking of her radiant smile.

:: I am thinking about the way she bubbled with joy and awe at the sight of her 27th great grandchild, so new and tiny. How holy that little visit seemed and how lucky I felt to happen to be there. How she couldn't take her eyes off that baby.

:: I am thinking of the amazing greeting I received at the door of her and my papa's hotel room in Nairobi. Never a hug so big in all the world.

:: I am thinking that my grandma made an astounding choice to leave a plain mennonite life, sell her house and possessions and to go to Japan with her husband and four small children. She had no idea what was in store. She just knew that God was calling them there. Before comfort or security, she heeded God's call.

:: I am thinking she was as brave as she was beautiful.

:: I am thinking that staying tethered to God was her secret.

:: I am thinking that being known and loved by this extraordinary woman for the last 42 years is just about one of the best gifts I've had in this life.

:: I am thinking that losing someone who loved you this much is something you never really get over.