parenthood

Some days I feel so ill equipped for it. Like in the rush to get out the door to school and your son puts on his spring coat and refuses to change to the winter one because it's "too fat" and it looks ugly on him. But he has a cough and it's 39 degrees out even if the birds are singing and you're the mom. And because you're the mom, you raise your voice and firmly tell him to change. And he lays on the kitchen floor and cries. So you tell him he has a choice, he can wear the winter coat or a thick hoodie under the spring coat, which he tries on and recognizes as ridiculous. He is now blubbering as you tell him, Fine, you've made your choice, and you throw him the winter coat. Which he puts on and tells you you owe him a dollar for your mean face. You respond that he probably owes you five dollars for his behavior over the last 5 minutes. And he shoots back that every boy in school is wearing a hoodie during recess or no coat at all. And you tell him he's lucky that he has a mother who cares. Not one of your finer moments.

You walk to the car and decide you will apologize for not being patient and snapping at him when you're all strapped in. But your son is still at the door. You run back to see what his problem is now. And he stands there in tears. What's wrong? you say. I'm scared, he tells you. Of going to school? He nods. Then he tells you how two of his buddies told him that a girl fell down the stairs of his school and cracked her head open and died and now she haunts the place. It's an urban legend, he tells you. A true one. Seriously? In first grade? You comfort him as you hustle him to the car, trying to convince him that there's no such thing as a ghost.

Now your son is coughing up a storm. You consider letting him stay home. But it's only three days to spring break and the school book fair is tonight and grandma is coming to shop with him. Plus, you need to work. Are are you terrible? Probably. Yes.

And so begins another day of parenthood.

Of course, not every morning goes like this. And there are moments when you radiate parenting brilliance. But sometimes it is just crazy to think how we are shaping these little people without any training or credentials. You just do your best, try to ooze with love, pray a lot and hope for the best.

Yesterday I was bolstered by this beautiful essay by Anna Quindlen. In it she reflects on all the stages of parenting and how whether you're longing for the next stage or mourning the passing of the last, each stage gets better. In fact, she claims, being a parent of adult children is the best. In other words, bad parenting moments will one day be behind us. And the point of the whole exercise will be made clear. And we'll see that even subjected to our mistakes, our children will endure and surprise us and become amazing grown ups. In other words, we can forgive ourselves and move on. Alleluia.